I didn’t know life could be so hard. I didn’t know something could happen to me that would so drastically change the course of my life….or the way I thought my life was supposed to go. Yea, back to those “plans” again. I think we all have this checklist in the back of our minds. It’s all a part of the “American Dream” mentality…that you can have whatever you want in life if you work hard for it, do the right thing…be the right kind of person. So, we do well in school (like we’re expected to,) get in to a good college, pursue a career, have a beautiful wedding, buy a beautiful house, a nice family car and have the the 2.3 children…right? I never saw anything coming that might alter that dream. But it did. And God allowed it.
I remember praying right before I started experiencing symptoms for God to help me find some sort of ministry. I was at home with Camryn all day every day. I realized all of my focus was on her. And although it should be when your children are little, I felt selfish that I was so absorbed with my own life. I wasn’t helping anyone or leading anyone to Christ. You know, in the Bible it says that even the pagans care for their own. I was being no different. Ouch! Before I got sick, I had so much control over my life (or so I thought.) I wanted every aspect of Camryn’s life to be perfect and I wanted to do everything myself. Ironically, on her first day of “school” when she was 3, I was barely able to get her there, without help. I had been so determined to walk her in to class myself as I had “planned.” I had looked forward to this milestone as I had all of the others. But things seemed to be falling apart this time. I struggled through her first year of school as I battled all of my symptoms. Although I felt miserably most of the time, I tried to be every bit of the mommy I had been before. But it wasn’t happening. I didn’t have the stamina, strength or mental energy to keep up with a 3 year old. I barely made it through that first year and had to leave her in after care many days so I could rest. Talk about frustrating! I felt abandoned by God in a way. I had prayed and asked God for help, but it seemed He hadn’t come through (or at least not fast enough for me.) I decided that if He wasn’t going to take care of me then I would just have to do it myself! He should have protected me, I remember thinking…I guess I’ll just take care of myself from now on. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever tried to carry the weight of a broken heart all alone because you believed the lie that God was somehow unfaithful? When we make vows like mine, we are actually trying to manage our own brokeness and either heal or numb the emotional agony we are feeling. When we make vows, we attempt to carry our own burdens. Often this is done subconsciously, I think. I mean, it’s not like I stopped going to church and believing in God. I was just hurt beyond belief that He hadn’t protected me from this disease…I felt betrayed.
Yet somewhere along this journey I’ve been on for almost 4 years, I’ve gone from distrusting God and believing he betrayed me to trusting Him. He showed me that I can be complete without the life I had wanted and that he is with me even if I never have another child, through MS or any future heartbreaks.
Humble…broken…that’s how God wants us to be, which I think is one of the reasons why He didn’t protect me from MS. He knew, in the end, that it would not only draw me closer to HIm, but would create empathy in my heart that I didn’t know existed. And there was my ministry…God had answered my prayer. Not like I had expected, of course (He never does)…but in ways beyond my imaginatio
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