Doubting God's Enough

During my season of heartache, (since being diagnosed with MS and realizing I can’t have the life I want, when I want it,) I decided to get what I wanted at the expense of obeying God.  Ouch!  NOT a cool move.  But this ache in my heart was pushing me towards the edge of obsession.  For a while, I believed that fulfilling the desires of my heart would relieve my longing in ways that God couldn’t.  Every now and then, my faith was washed away in this torrential downpour of longing.  Sound familiar?  Even though I have learned about God throughout my life, who He is, and even remember what He has done for me, the truth of His love was washed away in a flood of desire for something that promised to put an end to my longing.  In my case, it was having more children and the family I had always dreamed of.  I felt so guilty that I couldn’t give Camryn the brother or sister I had promised.  Now she is 7.  She’ll never get to grow up with a sibling.  I am beyond crushed by that thought.  Dreams like mine can often dominate us and make us feel like we must have them to save us.  And that’s one of satan’s many lies.  We doubt that GOD is enough.  Doubting God, doubting His love, well, the doubt beckons us to trade God for an idol, a lesser love.  Yes, our dreams and desires can become idols.  Mine obviously had, and I allowed it.  Our greatest love is God, period.  I realized that I could not trade my God for temporary satisfaction…because God lasts forever.  Idols and lesser loves do not.  But I thought my dream could somehow give me what God could not.  Unfortunately, idolatry can often create a domino effect that leads to chasing and embracing even more idols! But we seem to want to cling to our idols.  Idol, by the way, is another word for “emptiness.”  Anytime we think that we can run from God and chase our idols (our dreams,) to find any kind of lasting fulfillment, we’re only fooling ourselves.  In some instances, (like mine,) we think “Ok, God. You didn’t give me what I wanted, the life I had wanted…the life you knew I wanted; so I’ll just have to do it my own way.  I’m going to make it happen, one way or another!”  (I can be quite stubborn and hard-headed, I’m afraid.)  I’m not the type who just always rolls with the punches…I tend to want to punch back.  I wanted to fight MS sooo badly!  And I did for a little while.  I read in a book recently that life can be like an ocean, and instead of always fighting against the currents and waves…that we should instead let the waves carry us where they may.

The bottom line is:  we can’t fully embrace God and an idol at the same time.  In describing Judah’s departure from God to chase idols, God says, “be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror” (Jeremiah 2:12)  The good news is, (yes there is good news!)  If we’ve traded God for a lesser love, a dream that we long for and cling to so tightly, He will take us back!  Although I still have a soft spot for my dream life, and still curse MS (alot,) I have a LOT more peace about everything, because I stopped clinging to my idol so tightly and stopped doubting that God could be enough.  Because He is!